HER HORRORWEEN - The Lycanthropy Is Not a Metaphor

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00] Want to immerse yourself in Wonder Woman's Amazon Tribe? Or the setting of the movie Atlantis? Or the bisexual bliss of the mummy, curse and all? You've found your queer history girlies in Spirits, mythology, legends, and folklore. Spirits is a weekly podcast where mythology buff Julia explains a different story from ancient myth or modern folklore to her childhood BFF, Amanda.

[00:00:22] [SPEAKER_00] They examine these stories through a queer feminist lens, drawing parallels to modern life and asking why these stories still matter to us as human beings. Once a month, they also tell spooky stories from listeners' hometowns. Listen to Spirits, Mythology, Legends, and Folklore in your podcast app every Wednesday. And as they say on Spirits, stay creepy, stay cool.

[00:00:43] [SPEAKER_00] Listen up, thrillers. A quick note. Tonight's Devious Audio Delight contains adult content and language. Please see the content warnings in the show notes.

[00:01:06] [SPEAKER_03] I saw her at the student cafe on the morning after the full moon. She ordered an iced mocha latte with soy milk, vegan whipped cream, and an extra shot of espresso. Ambient conversation drowned out her name when she gave it to the barista. I didn't recognize her.

[00:01:25] [SPEAKER_03] And I recognized everyone. She paid and looked for somewhere to sit. There was an empty seat next to me. I looked away, hurt pleading. And she found an open booth on the other side of the cafe.

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_03] She brushed away bagel crumbs from the vinyl bench and set down her backpack. It was purple canvas with patches and pins and pithy quotes. Love is love. Support your local trash cats. CHS Thespian Society.

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_03] I could have gotten up. I could have walked over to her and asked her name. But I took a sip of my coffee. Hot. Oat milk. No sugar. Tainted with the flavor of my lipstick.

[00:02:13] [SPEAKER_03] She could be anything. She was Schrodinger's redhead. I imagined she might be in a class with me. Maybe a new TA doomed to lead freshman in microeconomics. She didn't look lost or lonely. She looked patient. Unencumbered. Focused on whatever she was reading on her phone.

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_04] Sienna. Drink for Sienna.

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_03] She looked up. The barista held out the plastic cup over the counter. Milky ice sloshing. Sienna slipped out from the booth and grabbed it. She smiled. She had dimples. She exited out the side door toward the campus green.

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_03] My coffee tasted bitter and cold. It was dregs. The last sips before I'd have to drag myself to class. Feeling hungover. And sad. I felt a rush when she showed up the next morning and ordered the same awful latte with too much sugar. Hi. Too much. I sounded like an over-eager child. Sienna looked at me. One perfectly plucked eyebrow raised. Hi.

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_03] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm Channing. I didn't recognize you, so I thought you might be new this semester. The words tumbled out like lizards, frogs, and toads. Sienna smiled. I wanted to die for that smile. Are you the welcoming committee? Oh, no. I felt my face flush. This was dumb. I'm so dumb. She's probably not even into girls.

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_03] I took a break. Academic hiatus. She held out her hand. I took it. She smelled like lavender and lemon. Her skin was warm, and I suddenly felt embarrassingly cold and clammy. She didn't seem to notice. My name's Sienna. My crush hopped down from the booth, grabbing her backpack in a fluid motion. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow. I nodded.

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_03] The next morning, I did not sleep in. We met in ten-minute bursts, punctuated by the barista's announcements of ready drinks. Sienna was a year ahead of me, a junior returning after a two-semester break.

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_03] She was an English major, drama minor, hence thespian society, and 51% gay, hence thespian society. She had overloaded her schedule to make up for missed time. She didn't talk about the reason for her hiatus. Do you know what you want to major in yet? I didn't want to talk about myself. I wanted to talk about Sienna. I like sociology, but I feel like that's the default major when you don't know what to do with your life.

[00:05:10] [SPEAKER_01] Who told you that? I bet it was someone in the psych department.

[00:05:14] [SPEAKER_03] I laughed. I liked laughing with Sienna. Sienna, our voices harmonized, and it felt like a joyful song. I wanted to sing with her every day. Our ten-minute dates. Was I allowed to call them dates? Went on for three weeks. The moon waned and waxed. I counted the days. I always count the days. There's a party tonight off campus. Mostly juniors and seniors.

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_03] I'd love to come, the toad said in a single breath. And when Sienna blushed, her whole body turned pink. Okay. Okay. She texted me the address without typing. She'd had it ready to send. I memorized the digits in case a freak windstorm blew the phone from my hands. Back at my dorm, I traded my jeans and jacket for a dress.

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_03] A thrifted score that I would never have picked up had it not been exactly my size. I stood in front of my sister Dana for a final fit check, ready to trade back to my normal outfit. But, in a stunning moment of support for the girls, she offered to lend me her earrings. The wicked witch of fashion and locking me out of my own damn room chose kindness.

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_02] You look cute!

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_03] She held up the dangling fake fangs. They were a little too on point. But the faux bone worked with my lace dress and boots. I twisted my hair and she swatted my hands.

[00:06:52] [SPEAKER_02] No!

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_03] She stole the hairband from my wrist and flung it into a wastebasket.

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_02] You need to get out of here!

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_03] And with that, she pushed me out the door. The apartment was on the train line. The music boomed out into the street.

[00:07:12] Channing!

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_03] She's up on the fire escape. I took the stairs three stories up. The elevator was out of service. Sienna greeted me at the door, dragging me inside to meet her friends. It was loud, hot, and exciting. The lights were dim, hazy with smoke from tobacco and weed.

[00:07:38] [SPEAKER_03] I felt like a mermaid underwater, gulping down a mysterious green drink in giant sips. I could barely hear Sienna. And she couldn't hear me. But it was good to be near her. The heavy music strumming our bodies. She laced her fingers and mine as we sat on the edge of the couch. It was stained and moist with beer and who knows what. I stood and pulled her with me into the crowd of dancers.

[00:08:07] [SPEAKER_03] She was so warm. I traced my fingers on the edge of her waistband, making a circuit against her skin. I felt her moan. And she draped her arms around my shoulder, pulling me closer as we swayed with the music. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to feel her lips against mine and taste her mouth and push our bodies together and relish her warmth under my fingers.

[00:08:37] [SPEAKER_03] Let's go to the roof!

[00:09:38] [SPEAKER_03] I wanted the moment to last forever. Her hands searched the edges of my dress. I straddled her, and she pulled me closer, my knees knocking against the wood bench. She wore a blouse, and I imagined tearing it open and taking her nipple into my mouth, right there under the waxing moon. Instead, I slipped my hands under her shirt and unhooked her bra

[00:10:05] [SPEAKER_03] so that I could feel her beautiful, warm breasts in my hands. She laughed, her mouth still connected to mine. I didn't understand why until I felt her unhook my bra through my dress and circle her hands over the fabric covering my front. My turn. Her lips, still close to mine. But this is as far as we should go. She nodded toward the other inhabitants of the roof.

[00:10:34] [SPEAKER_03] I turned to see they had stopped their conversation and were watching us. One of the men gave us a double thumbs up and encouragement. My body ached for more. I shivered in the chill from the night air, and she kissed me again. Let me help. She stood me up and turned my body around so that she could access the zipper. She re-hooked my bra,

[00:11:01] [SPEAKER_03] letting her fingers linger for just a moment against my bare skin. We returned to the party. The music still loud, but the crowd thinned. I thought she might ask me to go with her back to her room, but I didn't even know if she lived there. I might not see you for a few days.

[00:11:31] [SPEAKER_03] Everything okay? Yeah. She smiled. It was sad and didn't reach her eyes. But we were drunk, and sometimes cheap vodka makes you think about sad things. I wondered if it had to do with her hiatus. The timing wasn't terribly inconvenient for me either. I had plans.

[00:12:01] [SPEAKER_03] I took a lift home. The last train had left hours ago, and the moon hung low in the sky, yearning for the dawn. I spent the next few days preparing, catching up on assignments, and turning in work due before the month end. Dana watched me with her usual bored acceptance, promising to cover for me if I needed more time. I always wished I had more time.

[00:12:28] [SPEAKER_03] The college backed up against protected land bordering the river. Thick, wooded areas free of people except the occasional drunk co-ed, too intoxicated to question the untimely return of dire wolves to the area. It was better than my parents' solution, at least. No more basement cage and bolt-lock doors and a rubber kong filled with peanut butter.

[00:12:57] [SPEAKER_03] Dana walked me to the edge of the preserve and waited for me to undress. She collected my clothes and put them in a backpack she hung from a thick tree branch. I handed her my jewelry, and she put it in her pocket.

[00:13:11] [SPEAKER_02] Don't roll around in dead things, please. Last time your hair stunk for days. I love you too, Dana.

[00:13:19] [SPEAKER_03] She waved me off, and I walked barefoot into the woods. I found the hollow in the trees I claimed as my own. There was a break in the foliage, and moss grew thick over the roots of an old tree. I sat between two roots, my bare ass against the dried and decaying leaves, and practiced breathing exercises while I waited. It didn't take long for the wolf to wake.

[00:13:52] [SPEAKER_03] The moon was high in the sky, making sharp shadows on the forest floor. I felt it stir, first in my belly, as the transformation began. It felt like a burning in my lower back as my spine reshaped, forcing my torso downward. I stopped myself from face-planting with arms that already showed the lean musculature of a canine.

[00:14:17] [SPEAKER_03] My fingers shrunk as fur rippled across my skin. It felt like worms in my body as my muscles tightened and stretched over my bones. My nails lengthened into claws. My nose protruded from my face, and my eyesight shifted, losing vibrancy but gaining acuity. I fight the urge to howl

[00:14:45] [SPEAKER_03] in my final few moments of self-awareness before I'm lost in the dream of transformation. I woke in the morning with the taste of copper in my mouth and dried leaves in my hair. Whatever the wolf gets up to,

[00:15:14] [SPEAKER_03] it generally remembers to return to my hollow to sleep it off. I didn't smell like skunk or dead things, at least. I began the trek back to the edge of the preserve, where my change of clothes and a bottle of water waited. It was noon by the time I got back to my dorm.

[00:15:33] [SPEAKER_02] Only two days. It's Friday. You look terrible. I could bite you. Don't even joke.

[00:15:41] [SPEAKER_03] I looked at the clock.

[00:15:42] [SPEAKER_02] I can still make my afternoon class. Why? You already got permission to take the makeup test?

[00:15:48] [SPEAKER_03] Dana grins at me.

[00:15:50] [SPEAKER_02] Unless you plan on making a stop at the cafe on your way back?

[00:15:54] [SPEAKER_03] Sienna's back home this week. Don't ask me why she didn't tell me. I won't see her until Monday. I didn't see her Monday. I didn't see Sienna until Wednesday. But she came into the cafe smiling, and my worry melted away. I wanted the worry to melt away. She sat in the booth across from me,

[00:16:25] [SPEAKER_03] and we picked up from our last ten-minute date. I wanted to ask her about the last week, but the small sadness in her eyes stopped me. Instead, I asked about her classes, her tech work from the drama program, her practice monologue. She answered freely, but she seemed haunted. Whatever happened that last week, it lived in her. It sank into her skin. I wanted to tear it out of her

[00:16:55] [SPEAKER_03] to make it stop hurting her. Class is canceled. For me, at least. Why did you come to campus? Sienna didn't respond. She looked at me when eyebrow raised, as if it was obvious. Oh. It was obvious. I just have a lab, and it's optional. I fibbed. Good. Let's go back to my place. Sienna lived off campus

[00:17:22] [SPEAKER_03] in a complex popular with juniors and seniors. She shared the apartment with three other girls, each of them claiming a small bedroom off the central kitchen and TV room. There was only one bathroom. I suspect the apartments were not built to house four people each. Sienna closed the door behind us, flipping the bolt. Without a word, she took my backpack and jacket and tossed them on the kitchen island, which was already filled with piles

[00:17:51] [SPEAKER_03] of cereal boxes and canned soup. You're amazing. She looked away, blushing again. I felt heat rush to my cheeks. Was I too much? I was too much. But she was pulling me toward one of the bedrooms. Her space was sparse, the walls decorated with Broadway posters and ribbons she'd won from competitions. The carnation from Hadestown floated above our heads as we climbed onto her double mattress.

[00:18:21] [SPEAKER_03] Sienna didn't speak as she pulled my t-shirt over my head and dropped it to the hardwood floor. She took off her shirt and let it fall onto the mattress. She didn't kiss my lips. Instead, she leaned into my neck, kissing and nibbling the soft skin and alternating caresses. I wanted her so much. I found the button of her jeans and she stopped me,

[00:18:50] [SPEAKER_03] undoing them herself and then undoing mine and tugging them off my hips. She spoke into my ear. I guided her hand down. She pulled aside my cotton underwear and slipped her finger into my slit, rubbing the soft, slick skin. Her other hand cradled the back of my neck as she pulled me into an arch so that she could kiss my breastbone.

[00:19:19] [SPEAKER_03] Just as she had alternated kisses and nibbles on my neck, she switched between stroking my slit and plunging her fingers inside me as I felt the blood rush to my core. I wanted more. I wanted to keep going. I wanted to stay in this moment. Keep doing that. I felt like a stack of blocks ready to tumble.

[00:19:48] [SPEAKER_03] I wanted her to knock me over and build me back up. I screamed and she covered my mouth with hers as an orgasm rocked my body and I gasped for air. She gasped too. No. A sob. She was crying. I'd made her cry. I wanted to cry. Did I hurt you? Did we go too far? No.

[00:20:18] [SPEAKER_03] No, I just... I wish I could blame the wolf for falling so fast, for moving so quickly. It was never the wolf, though.

[00:20:30] [SPEAKER_01] I don't think we can keep seeing each other.

[00:20:33] [SPEAKER_03] My heart dropped. I felt the blood drain from my face. Why? I... I already know you're bi. I teased, pleading for the humor to erase Sienna's words. Her nose was red and snotty, but she was beautiful. I wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. Does it have to do with your hiatus? Yes. She nodded.

[00:21:03] [SPEAKER_03] Can I ask you what happened? She shook her head. I felt it then. The likeness in her. The way her smell was amazing. The way I longed to be near her as much as I could. If she was dumping me anyway, it couldn't hurt. You're a lycanthrope. I didn't mean it to sound accusatory. I hoped it didn't. It simply... was.

[00:21:33] [SPEAKER_03] Like me, she straddled the world between monster and mundane. But it was fresh and new on her. Sienna didn't speak for a moment. I expected her to deny it, or to be shocked. Instead, she rolled sideways and looked at me with confusion. She put her hand on my cheek. Her eyes were still wet, leaving a damp spot on her pillow. It's okay.

[00:22:03] [SPEAKER_03] I mean, I assume that means I'm right. In which case, you should know I am too. Oh. She didn't know. She didn't know anyone. She was in this on her own. Is that why you're dumping me? The you being a werewolf. Not the me being one. Jesus. This is the worst it's not you, it's me breakup I've ever had.

[00:22:31] [SPEAKER_01] I want to break up with you. Oh. I mean, I was planning on it, but that was before. Unless you want to break up still.

[00:22:45] [SPEAKER_03] No. I laid an arm around her and pulled her gross, snotty face into my shoulder.

[00:22:51] [SPEAKER_01] I didn't want to keep lying to you about leaving campus every month.

[00:22:55] [SPEAKER_03] Why don't you stay on campus? She sat upright suddenly. She studied me. And it wasn't with anger or disdain. The idea had never occurred to her. How? There's a preserve. It's big enough, and the coyotes pushed out the wolves decades ago. They stay away from me.

[00:23:16] [SPEAKER_01] And you just go all call of the wild for a week?

[00:23:19] [SPEAKER_03] It probably isn't the perfect analogy, but I paused and grinned. Unless you're telling me you turn into an oversized St. Bernard.

[00:23:29] [SPEAKER_01] No, I mean like White Fang.

[00:23:31] [SPEAKER_03] Sienna shoved me playfully. The transformation's usually only two or three days. How do you know you'll stay? Her brief smile disappeared, and she made a box shape with her hands and squished the air between her palms. Contained. My eyes widened as it dawned on me. The basement crate was convenient to avoid questions about why our family only had a sometimes dog, but it wasn't really a safety solution.

[00:24:01] [SPEAKER_03] If anything, it was to protect the snack cabinet from the version of me with human intelligence and canine instincts. Have you ever been uncrated? Sienna's neck and cheeks flushed. I was dying to know her story. I wanted to know everything. She didn't speak. She just shook her head. I tried not to let sympathy show in my face. She didn't need sympathy.

[00:24:29] [SPEAKER_03] I don't know everything my wolf gets up to, but I remember enough to know I got really bored in my parents' basement. The woods are not boring. There are smells and sounds and generally no people. I think once I ran into campers, but I ran away before they noticed me. Sienna thought about it, pressing her lips together in a thin line. Her dimples disappeared. My parents can't really stop me,

[00:24:59] [SPEAKER_03] can they? We stood side by side at the edge of the preserve. The air was heavy, thick with moisture from the afternoon showers. The lazy sunset shone orange and red through the stippling leaves and branches. Ready? Not really. I reached over to grab her free hand

[00:25:29] [SPEAKER_03] and gave it a quick squeeze. Dana cleared her throat. She didn't look up from her phone, just jutted her chin out toward the duffel bag between us. We're going. Dana nodded and walked back toward the public areas, leaving us to the crickets and rodents. I stripped down to my underwear. Sienna didn't move. She watched the tree line. In the underbrush, animals squeaked and wrestled.

[00:25:58] [SPEAKER_03] I suddenly felt naked on her behalf. Five minutes ago, this was a mundane ritual repeated monthly, but I saw it through Sienna's eyes. Beautiful, boisterous Sienna, whose world had come crashing down a year ago. She had only ever known shame and fear in hiding. I stepped out of my pants and walked to her, leaving the denim on the damp soil. Let me help.

[00:26:27] [SPEAKER_03] I unbuttoned her shirt from the bottom. She was shivering. Her nipples made small points through the lace of her bra. I slipped her shoulders from the shirt and she let the fabric fall to the ground. It's going to be okay. Sienna nodded. I rubbed my hands over her arms, feeling her muscles through her pale skin as I tried to warm her. She moved now, fumbling with her jeans and tugging them past her hips.

[00:26:58] [SPEAKER_03] I gathered the clothing and dropped them one by one in the duffel bag, pushing aside the water bottles and breakfast bars Dana had packed. I peeled off my underwear and bra, folding them beneath my crumpled t-shirt as though they ought to be hidden. I laughed, startling a hidden rodent into scurrying away. After a moment, Sienna took off her underclothes and walked to where I crouched, holding them outward like a lacy package.

[00:27:28] [SPEAKER_03] They matched, the bra and panties. She'd worn them special, I imagined. I sat them delicately in the nest of clothing and re-zipped the duffel bag. We'd seen each other naked before, but she looked ethereal in the fading light. Come on. I stood up. I hitched the strap over my shoulder, looking for a solid branch to hang the bag until our return. Spotting a Y

[00:27:58] [SPEAKER_03] between two thick limbs, I pointed. Sienna nodded her head in agreement and I tossed the bag upward. It took two tries to catch, but on the second toss stayed lodged just overhead. We walked deeper into the forest.

[00:28:15] [SPEAKER_01] How do you know you won't hurt anyone?

[00:28:17] [SPEAKER_03] I felt butterflies as her hand brushed against mine. I don't, but I haven't yet. Except for the neighbor's chihuahua when I was 11. But that dog had it coming. Sienna gasped, horrified. I'm joking. I just scared it a little.

[00:28:35] [SPEAKER_01] I hurt my dad, Channing. I scratched him. It was the first time I transformed. I thought I had been through the worst of it, of everything that happened.

[00:28:46] [SPEAKER_03] I'm sorry.

[00:28:47] [SPEAKER_01] He's fine. He didn't get it. It was a rough 28 days after for him.

[00:28:55] Hmm.

[00:28:56] [SPEAKER_01] It's been a rough every day after for me.

[00:28:59] [SPEAKER_03] We walked in silence for a few moments, our hands occasionally connecting and pulling away as if shocked by static electricity. We came upon my hollow. Sienna, what we are, it's not a punishment for something we've done or that's been done to us. It just is. I'm not going to tell you to celebrate your wolf side. I don't remember half the shit

[00:29:29] [SPEAKER_03] my wolf gets into, but it's part of who I am. I don't think I'm there yet. That's okay too. I pulled Sienna to my mossy spot between the two thick roots. The ground is cold and we both shivered. In an unconscious attempt to warm ourselves, I pressed my body against hers, wrapping my arms around her back. She felt so small and delicate and I desperately

[00:29:58] [SPEAKER_03] wanted her to feel warm. Sienna placed her hands on either side of my jaw. Her fingers were cool and I leaned into them. She watched me, taking in the details of my face and then she leaned forward and kissed me. Our noses bumped. They were cold and wet and we both laughed then. She tilted her head and kissed me again, deeply.

[00:30:28] [SPEAKER_03] Her tongue searched my mouth, exploring as though it were the first time. I traced my fingers down her spine, reading the bones like raised letters until I found her hips. This time, I pulled her onto my lap and we sat, legs draped and tangled. I kissed her lips and her jaw and her neck, traveling downward toward her breasts. She moaned as I traced the shape of her areola

[00:30:57] [SPEAKER_03] with my tongue before taking her nipple into my mouth. How much time do we have before, you know, enough. I laid her against the bark of the tree and I wanted her to feel joy. I wanted her to feel happy and warm in this cold place with decaying leaves and moist soil. She squirmed backwards and I caught her hands, bringing her fingers dusted with dirt

[00:31:27] [SPEAKER_03] to my lips. Even amidst the forest scents, she smelled like lavender and lemon. I wanted to taste her, to bury myself in her warmth. I pulled her knees apart, kneeling between her legs. Lavender gave way to the earthy scent of her sex. I spread her outer lips with my fingers and she gasped. I was probably just as chilled as she was.

[00:31:56] [SPEAKER_03] I ran my fingertips around the slick skin of her opening, teasing her with light touches until she thrust her hips toward me. I breathed her in, tongue flicking against her clit. I slipped a finger inside her and then two, encouraged by how wet she was. She moved against me, her hips in time with my fingers as I thrusted. I paused

[00:32:26] [SPEAKER_03] and licked the length of her, tasting copper and citrus until I found her clit once more and sucked on it gently. Finally, she grunted, her hands grasping my head and pushing me deeper until finally she screamed. Some small creatures in the trees screeched back in protest. Her body arched and tightened, finally collapsing

[00:32:55] [SPEAKER_03] into small shakes as she pulled me upward. Overhead, the sunset oranges and reds had given way to the dim gray of twilight. We held each other as our transformations began.

[00:33:26] [SPEAKER_04] The Lycanthropy is not a metaphor. Written by Selene Grande. Performed by Brie Mignano. With Sid Kilroy as Sienna. Abigail Turner as Dana. You've been listening to Ominous Thrill Her Horrorween. It's created, produced, directed, and sound designed by myself, Jeff Schmidt. If this is your first Ominous Thrill episode, please look back in the feed to find other stories you might enjoy. There's plenty of devious audio delights to choose from.

[00:33:56] [SPEAKER_04] The best way to help support making more Ominous Thrill is to subscribe to the ad-free feed, The Red Room, on Patreon and Apple Podcasts. Find links in the show notes. It's greatly appreciated. Next best is to share this story with everyone you think might enjoy it. Help spread the word. Use the share icon in your listening app of choice. And the easiest way is to leave a five-star rating and a positive review. It doesn't do much for the algorithms, but it helps other listeners decide if they'll listen.

[00:34:26] [SPEAKER_04] Thank you. This has been Ominous Thrill Her Horrorween, and until next time, thrill you later.

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